Intergenerational Relationships
Grandparent Relationships – How and Why to Make Them Work for Children, by Amy L. Thomas
I just saw a friend of mine in the grocery store, and I asked her about her trip to visit her first grandchild. “Oh, he is so beautiful, and I am glad that he lives fairly close” she gushed, “but I am sure glad that I got to go home after a week!” I had to laugh, but it did get me thinking about all of the different benefits of being and having a grandparent involved in a child’s life.
Grandparents can be wonderful role models for children, encouraging positive growth and development, and supporting all of their achievements. With the busy schedule of most families of today, they are often called upon to help out with transportation, caretaking, and attending practices, recitals, and sporting events. Many have more time due to reduced work schedules or retirement and are happy to participate in their grandchildren’s lives. If distance is too great for these types of activities, here are some ways to ensure that bonding happens:
1. Visit with each other as often as possible. This can include the whole family, and then when a child is older, he or she can visit on their own. Many of us can remember how exciting it was to visit with a grandparent by ourselves; it was a whole different experience with the adult world. Grandparents have lots of family history to tell, and these stories can create a new understanding for children.
2. Use technology by emailing pictures and notes and letters often. Keep lines of communication going all through the years. Take videos of special events so they can be played when the family gathers at occasions and reunions.
3. Personal phone calls are wonderful, and not just for special occasions. Most phone companies have unlimited calling plans that will allow regular communication. Staying in touch and expressing interest is a key component in healthy child development from birth through adulthood. Let grandchildren know that they can call at any time as well.
4. Plan a special outing with grandchildren whenever possible. This can take the form of a shopping, going to a museum or athletic event or taking in a movie. Share thoughts and ideas about the day.
5. Find a hobby or craft activity to enjoy together. Making something
tangible together is a wonderful reminder of the good times that have been shared.
Children need caring, positive adults throughout their young lives, and having grandparents who are involved makes a world of difference in their sense of well being. The amount of contact may depend on many factors, such as the age of the child or children. Trust your instinct and just let them know that you are there whenever needed. Enjoy the special time together.
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Add comment November 13, 2008 amylthomas
Hot Flashes and the Change
It came in a wave that started at my toes and snaked its way up to the top of my head. Instead of leaving my body, it then did a complete 180 and traveled slowly down my body, heating up every corner and producing sweat in areas that I never knew had sweat glands. Welcome to the world of hot flashes, those fabulous little reminders that I am beginning “the change” and will be uncomfortable at least five or so times a day.
If you have never experienced these, let me tell you, it is a rare treat. Especially when you are at work or are personally speaking with someone. You just want to stop doing anything and stay as still as possible, hoping this will be a short one. In the middle of the night, it grips you wholly, you fling off the covers since they are a part of the heat problem you are having and you begin panting like a dog, believing you are releasing something.
I understand that I am 45 years old. I understand that my body no longer needs to do some of the reproductive things it was capable of doing in my earlier life. But hot flashes? I would much rather be cold. I can put on a sweater, crank up the heat (if I could afford the oil this month), and have a nice cup of tea. Heat is just plain uncomfortable. If it were the summer, I could jump in the pool. I guess a cool shower will have to suffice, but by the time I would turn on the water, it is gone. Sneaky little thing.
I know there are probably a hundred drugs I could try and take to alleviate some of this. My doctor would probably be happy to prescribe something, or I could look at the over the counter stuff and what they are promising. But I would really like to do this on my own, without help if possible. After all, women have had to deal with this for thousands of years, this is not a new affliction (and I use that word in the strongest sense possible).
To my pre-menopausal sisters, have faith. Try to see the humor. It won’t be long now. Maybe only another 5 or 6 years for me? Ah yes, totally doable. I wish I could bottle the heat and save it for January when I really need it. If we could all do that, we could heat the world together. Peace.
Add comment November 9, 2008 amylthomas
Step Parenting 101
Step Parenting 101: The Hardest Job You Will Ever Love
By Amy L. Thomas
You are not my mother/father!
You are not the boss of me!
I do not have to listen to you!
If it were not for you, my parents would still be together!
Does any of this sound familiar? If you are a stepparent, you may have heard one or more of these statements from your stepchild. You have entered into a relationship with another person who has children, and now you are involved, ready or not. How can you relate to these young people and keep your sanity? Not an easy task, but keeping a few key points in mind will make the journey a bit less stressful for everyone.
1. Plan, Plan, Plan
Prior to blending families, it is important to sit down with your spouse and decide together how to handle different situations before they arise. Discipline, family time, one-on-one time, work and activity schedules, and alone time should all be discussed and planned. Honesty is the key ingredient, as each partner needs to figure out his or her role in the new family structure.
2. Be an active participant
Hearing “you are not my parent,” can make a stepparent feel left out, and act accordingly, taking the sometimes easier role of life on the fringe. While this may create some initial harmony in the family life, it is ultimately a deterrent to building any sort of relationship with stepchildren. Once again, honesty is the best approach. “You are right, I am not your mother/father, but I am someone who cares about you very much, and I will always be here for you, whenever you need me.” Involve yourself in their lives as much as possible, and let them know that you support them, but will not interfere with their relationship with their biological parent.
3. The Gift of Time
Change is hard on everyone, especially children, who may or may not understand everything that is happening. No matter what the age of the child, a relationship will take time. Be patient, and remember you are the adult and have more experience. It may be a few months, or a few years, and as hard as it may be to wait, you will most likely not receive any instant gratification.
4. Create new family traditions and memories
Sometimes a step parent will feel like they are in a competition, and while this is a normal feeling, a better way to participate is to create new family activities and enjoyable moments, rather than trying to copy the ones already established. Getting to know your stepchild or stepchildren and who they are and what they are interested in is a good way to begin to plan some new, fun traditions. This is not to say these have to cost a lot of money or involve a lot of travel, etc. Taking a walk on Sundays or playing at a local playground each Saturday afternoon gives everyone something to look forward to. For older kids, a movie, a bike ride, or just playing a board game could be the way to go. Keep it simple but keep it consistent, and you may see an easier adjustment for everyone in the new family setting.
Being a stepparent can be exciting, confusing and frustrating all at the same time. There is no manual that has all of the answers, and each family is unique, but by continuing to communicate and “hang in there,” great relationships can be established and continue for life.
1 comment November 7, 2008 amylthomas
Giving Thanks and Paying it Forward
I just saw one of my favorite commercials by an insurance company. The characters are all very different, yet they are connected as they randomly do something nice for each other. One sees another doing a good deed, and he or she is inspired to do another for someone else. It is the “pay it forward” theory, the idea that sometimes we are not able to thank those who may have helped us in some way, so instead we can help someone else out. I remember one time going back to see a teacher who had been influential in my life, and thanking her. She waved off my thanks and praise, and told me just one thing, “you go and do the same for another kid. That is the best thanks I could ever hope for.”
During the season of Thanksgiving, this is a wonderful lesson we can begin or continue to teach our own kids, to not only be thankful for what we have and what others may have done for us, but to put our thanks into action. This can be done in a variety of ways, some small and some larger. It is important to instill in children that we all have something to give, and we should use our talents to help others as much as possible. Giving children a sense of social awareness should start very early, and can lead to a lifetime of community service and understanding. Remember to always explain the reasons why you are doing what you do, and the effect it has on helping other people. In due time, our children will be naturally helping others.
Here are some ideas, based on the development age of children that you and your family can do to pay it forward:
- Clean up a beach: this can be done as a family with children of all ages.
- Rake leaves or wash windows for an elderly neighbor or relative: once again, this can be done as a family
- Volunteer monthly at a local soup kitchen or food pantry: check with your local community to see if there are specific age guidelines for children
- Read to the elderly: many nursing homes are looking for volunteers
- Collect toys, books, puzzles, games and clothes that are in good working condition and bring to a local shelter
- Bring a dinner to a neighbor or friend who has had a life transition or event, or is new to the area
- Collect all your loose change for a period of time and as a family decide on a cause, agency or program to donate it to
- Invite someone you know to a holiday meal or gathering who may not have anyone to share it with this season
- Talk to your child’s teacher for ideas and suggestions that a whole classroom can do together
There are so many ways to give thanks for what we have in our own lives by helping others. For more information and ideas, please visit www.actsofkindness.org or www.payitforwardfoundation.org. Enjoy this wonderful season with your family and friends.
Add comment November 5, 2008 amylthomas
Election Blues
I just tried to vote. Tried. This is the first time I can remember when there was a line to even park. The flaggers were going nuts, people were very upset, as they probably wanted to get it over with and get to work on time. Fat chance. The polls are filled, as it should be. I quickly turned my small car around and headed in to work, vowing to come back at a time that is more convenient, a time when there is no line, no waiting. I hope there is actually online voting available for the next Presidential election. Why not? It makes sense, you can pretty much do everything else online, perhaps this will be the answer. Get out and vote. Good luck.
Add comment November 4, 2008 amylthomas
To rake or not to rake . . . .
I cannot even begin to describe my front lawn to you. I actually really like it. It is a sea of goldish yellow, very pretty and light. Can’t I just leave it? What is this incessant need to take these leaves, these beautiful things of nature, bag them and then throw them somewhere, anywhere but around the lawn?
There is no green space at all, not even a corner. Two large trees stand in the yard and start spewing yellow beginning with the first winds of September. It is like walking on a crunchy blanket, and I have actually say down in the middle and read a book, very peacefully. We are one of the last homes in this suburban neighborhood to “clean up.” I feel the sideway glances of the people around us as a trudge through and do not give it a second thought. They probably think that I hope the winds will blow them all away, all into their yards. I do not wish for that. I admire how they have landscaping companies come over during the work week and preen their bushes, rake all leaves, twigs, needles and dirt into piles and cart it away. That is their choice. I have made mine.
Of course, I know these beautiful leaves will turn brittle and brown. They will get wet, dry again and blow around. They will not be the type that I will be willing to keep on my front lawn any longer. Especially since the relatives are coming here for Thanksgiving. I come from a family that takes explicit care of grounds, homes, cars, etc. I am the exception, but I will put on the show for the day. The weekend before T-Day I will be out raking, bagging, and dumping. Sad, but true.
Enjoy the color while it is still here.
Add comment November 1, 2008 amylthomas
Second Time Around
I try and convince people that the second time around can be good. Really, really good. I grew up in a household where divorce was a dirty word, we never really knew anyone who had been divorced, and it was a word akin to some disease. Thus I thought I would get into a lifelong relationship with my soul mate the first time around, divorce and ending the marriage were not a blip on my radar.
Then came the reality. I married the wrong person the first time. I believe I knew this for a while, but now with kids, I believe I rationalized that I should stay in this for the sake of the kids. Isn’t that what people do? I mean, not everyone’s marriage is perfect or even good, so I learned to live with things. Until he left. I then decided that I did deserve to be happy, and I needed to make this happen, it was not going to be handed to me. It was messy, messy, messy. But then it was over. And I had my kids. And I kept a home for all of us. And I met another person, a very wonderful person, someone who understands me, and despite all of my flaws and faults, loves me unconditionally. Second Time Around can be and IS wonderful. But you need to make it happen.
1 comment October 31, 2008 amylthomas
Vertigo and other dizzy episodes
Vertigo is acting up again. I believe the official term is benign positional vertigo. Means that I get dizzy, not just a little twirly in the head, but flat out dizziness that makes the whole world spin and makes me throw up. I would rather go through childbirth again than have this feeling. So I went to my dizzy doctor. She is amazing, a physical therapist who specializes in what makes people get off balance, and what helps. For me, I hold all of my stress and tension in my neck, and this then makes me dizzy and off kilter. So she checks my balance and then presses out the knots in my neck. Amazing. Hurts like hell, but really good for keeping me in check. She always gives me some stretching exercises for my neck and back, which I of course promptly forget to do and then lie a bit and tell her I am doing them faithfully. Why am I compelled to lie to a medical professional? Who am I hurting but myself? It’s not like I am being judged, she is trying to figure out what is going on so she can help me. Ok, enough of this philosophy, it’s making me dizzy.
1 comment October 28, 2008 amylthomas
Pet Peeves
I just read something that made me think: what would I list as my five top pet peeves? I know that as soon as I list what I think are my top five, I will then start thinking of others and wish I had put them down as well. But here they are, for what it is worth; hey, what are yours? Do any of ours match up? Let me know,
1. Rude people – by this I mean those that consistenly do not think of anyone else but themselves. They stand in your way, they talk loudly to their family or friends.
2. Politicians who talk more than they listen – you know what I mean, no need to explain.
3. Loud chewing – I know, sometimes there is a medical or physical reason. If not, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, I do not want to see or hear what you are eating or drinking.
4. The price of movie tickets. It should not cost a family of four $40 just to get in.
5. Anyone who speaks negatively about someone else based on what they have “heard”
Share your peeves, it does get you thinking. Have a great night,
Amy
1 comment October 27, 2008 amylthomas
College Kid Home for Break – Do You Still Wait Up?
So weird having my son home from college for a few days. I am very happy he is here, but I was actually getting used to having him away. Now he is here I find I am still waiting up, or at least not going to sleep until he is home. I can’t continue this! I am always tired, and I need my sleep for work. So I am going to sleep, if I can.
He has not given me any reason to mistrust, or continuously worry. But he is 19, that is enough of a worry for me. I just want to make sure he is home. Safe. Is that too much to ask?
I am glad he has friends and a social life, and I try not to ask too many questions. He is an adult, legally, after all. He could tell me to take a hike and I would not see him for along time. I want him to know that I am there for him, I have his back for anything. I hope he knows that.
When do we start to get sleep as parents? I have a 16 year old daughter too! AND she is about to get her license in a few weeks, AND she has her own car! Help!
All of us parents deserve a vacation away, I will meet all of you in Aruba.
Add comment October 15, 2008 amylthomas
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